


Memories Are Scars Of The Mind

by GraysonTaylor17



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 16:33:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18898465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GraysonTaylor17/pseuds/GraysonTaylor17
Summary: The in-between of seasons 2 and 3. The things that haunt Laura and Carmilla. What they said. What they did and didn't do. How Carmilla and Laura cope with the aftermath of their actions in season two. (Originally posted on FF.net)





	1. Carmilla

“I know you didn’t just do it for me,” 

Those words haunted her. 

“The story isn’t just, you fall in love with a monster,”

Haunted her like water in her lungs, drowning her slowly, and killing her with the very thing that she used to need to survive. Even though enough time had passed since those words were spoken, they follow her. A shadow of the things she did and didn’t do. The echo of the things Laura said, did. Her actions playing softly behind her eyelids. Of course, Carmilla had forgiven her. For everything. Including the death of her sister. Laura had made the ultimate sacrifice for her life. Laura threw her morals under the blade and protected Carmilla. Laura broke herself so that she could live. Laura fought so hard.

“And the moment came I killed him. I burned that poor man to the ground and I didn’t care, ” 

Carmilla sat quietly in the library, surrounded by the soft glow of lanterns. Even though she liked being alone, she could never truly be alone. Her memories were her shadows, and these days it’s all she thought about. Especially when she sees Laura. The small number of times she saw her a day. Carmilla sighed, running her hand down her face. Laura has been especially distant. Every time Carmilla saw her, she looked. Numb. Void. Empty. It was in her eyes. Instilling itself in the corners of her mind and becoming complacent. It broke her heart to see Laura like that. 

The longer she sat in silence the louder the words got. 

Monster 

“I did this to her,” Carmilla thought, wanting desperately to run away from this train of thought. Carmilla stood and started to pace. “I can’t allow myself to think like this. I can’t blame myself for her actions,” she said aloud to attempt to get out of her head. A constant fight, never-ending thoughts. Jumping from how scared she was for Laura and how angry she was with herself for being apart of what broke her. 

A scream broke her out of her train of thought. Carmilla knew exactly who it was. Laura always had nightmares during the night. And Carmilla always went to comfort her, and Laura would never remember the next day. 

Carmilla made her way through the hallway to the door room, where they had found some semi-comfortable furniture. Laura was there, awake sitting in the chair, shaking and mumbling. Carmilla approached the distraught girl and leaned in front of her, taking her hands. 

“Laura? Hey, Laura. “ Carmilla said in a low hum, so she didn’t freak her out. Laura shifted her gaze to meet the vampire’s. Carmilla’s expression softened because that was the fastest she’d ever responded. Laura had started to say something, but Carmilla already knew what was going to come out. She just nodded her head yes, and prepared herself for what came next. 

“ I - I can’t believe I did that.” her voice shook, “Without a second thought I stole someone’s life,” She broke down in Camilla’s arms. Carmilla shifted her back into the chair and slipped behind her. Laura sobbed, she sobbed until she had nothing left. Carmilla just held her, because there was nothing she could say to make her feel better. As she shook and sobbed Carmilla rubbed circles on her back to try and calm her down, but she knew it wouldn’t work. Eventually, Laura fell back asleep and Carmilla slipped back out and wandered back to her spot to be alone. 

“Just another night,” Carmilla mumbled to herself as she sat back in the same chair to be swallowed by her memories.


	2. Laura

“And I didn’t care,” 

Laura thought on those words as they hung heavy against her heart. She’d been floating through life day after day, wading through numbness and overwhelming disappointment in herself. The decision she made had saved Carmilla’s life, she tried constantly to remind herself of that. Still, the guilt of taking another person’s life did not land on her lightly. She had been plagued with nightmares, all of her mistakes come back to haunt her. Every night she saw him, the face of the man she had murdered. She relived the events over and over like some sort of ritualistic hell. In the back of her head though she was convinced she deserved it. So she didn’t speak to anyone, she didn’t look at anyone, she didn’t eat. All she did was sit in her room and attempt to hide away from the world. From Carmilla. 

“You can’t just expect all of that to go away just because I love you,” 

Of course, her being a monster wasn’t the only thing eating at her core. For months, she was convinced that Carmilla didn’t do any of the “heroic vampire crap” for her. She was convinced that Carmilla had changed and continued to change because that’s how the world works. How the story goes, at least that is what she previously held to be true. She knew now that what she did to Carmilla, what she asked of Carmilla was wrong and ended up being the downfall of their relationship. Carmilla told her that she loved her and Laura responded by getting her sister killed.

Part of her wished that she had died instead of Danny. The other part was glad she lived so that she could feel the consequences of her actions. And she did, they walked around with her. Vordenberg, Maddie, Danny, Kirsch, Perry. They followed her around and taunted her, forced her to face them, to face herself. She was never alone anymore, the ghosts of her decisions were always one step behind her. Sometimes Carmilla was there joining in on it, but she knew that one wasn’t real. She knew Carmilla didn’t hate her. She saw it in her eyes. Laura’s worldview may have been shaken to its core, but she knows what she saw in Carmilla’s eyes. 

Even though she was haunted with nightmares, she would sometimes have the same dream after them. That she awoke screaming and out of the darkness of the library came Carmilla, to comfort her, to hold her while she cried. But then she would wake up into another day, just like the one before it. Laura wanted it to be real, needed it to be. Because it felt real, it reminded her of the beginning when it was easy, when they were lost in each other. Sometimes she thinks it’s real but Carmilla doesn’t act any different the next time they interact. So Laura just keeps it to herself, she holds it close to her heart. Her quiet comfort.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey if you enjoy this work and want to support me, I am currently saving for top surgery. If you could share my donation link it would make my life. Thank you again for reading this story!   
> https://www.gofundme.com/f/ahux75-help-me-get-top-surgery


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